You want me to (what?) - SI
by emanucode
Summary: Once again a normal person from our world gets summoned as Louise's familiar, but what if he doesn't want to deal with the headache of being a servant to an unappreciative and abusive master? Read and find out.


I was walking out of the grocery store when I saw it, a green oval open in the air in front of me. The strangest feeling came over me, getting home was the furthest thing from my mind all of a sudden. I forgot about finding my car, the groceries I was carrying seemed suddenly so unimportant and inconsequential, so I dropped them on the sidewalk.

I ignored the growing feeling of wrongness, how could something so interesting possibly need to harm me? Hadn't I thought about a scenario like this before, what could be better than discovering magic.

Dimly I remembered that I considered myself fairly genre savvy, and touching an obviously magic thing that appeared in front of me without using something else as a test subject first would be something that I would laugh at book characters for doing. None of that mattered anymore, it could all wait, the most important thing right now was that I HAD to touch the portal.

I reached out my hand to it and as soon as I touched it the numbness in my head went away and I began to panic as I was pulled the rest of the way through. The world twisted, I was falling up, I saw stars, felt like I was being torn in two, I couldn't breathe. My vision started to get dark, I vaguely remember empathizing with lovecraftian protagonists who saw things men Weren't Meant To Know before oxygen deprivation made my head start spinning.

Just before passing out I fell onto a clearing with magical symbols painted around my landing point, the impact mercilessly driving what little air was left from my lungs. I gasped for air desperately.

The girl who I assumed was my summoner was shouting at an older man in a Gandalf getup, angrily pointing back and forth with a stick(wand?) in her hand.

I didn't know what was happening. I was in pain, and very confused. I remembered reading about this happening to fictional characters, and facepalming at how stupid they all were, looking back it was easy to criticize people when it was just someone in a book, in real life it was very hard to think when you're in an unfamiliar situation.

Pink haired summoner, strange green portal, I never read the original work but read enough fanfiction to know that somehow I landed in Familiar of Zero. Dream or not, there was no way I was going to be incompetent enough to pull a Thomas Covenant on the thing. Until further notice, I was going to treat this as if it was real, and plot armor isn't a thing in real life as far as I was aware.

Not long from now the country would erupt in war, and I wasn't familiar enough with the setting to somehow avert it. I could try to run, but where would I go? Assuming they even let me go, which I doubted would happen, how would I survive? I had no marketable skills, no references, no money, no home, and nothing to do. With my luck I would get drafted into the army as a meatshield and I had no illusions as to my chances of survival should that happen.

I needed to be strong, strong enough that even should the world turn against me I could make it on my own. And the only cheap powerrup available to me was the Gandalfr runes. I grimaced, if I remembered right they came with some sort of mind control on them. I wasn't sure how strong they were, but it didn't matter much.

Indoctrination and Stockholm syndrome were real even in a world without magic, and while I liked to think that I was strong willed, I knew that that was just a lie I told myself. I had trouble getting out of bed in the morning when I had little sleep, and just stubbing my toe is painful enough that while it's happening I would give up a heck of a lot just to make it stop a few seconds earlier. My only hope is that with the knowledge of the mind control I could convince myself out of it.

I can do that, I have this thing about making promises to myself. Even if I don't want to do it once it's time, I push myself to do it anyway because I need the knowledge that my commitments have value. I know later that if I'm serious about starting something, I have the capability to finish it because I've done things I hadn't wanted to later on.

I decided then that there was no way I was going to be friends with Louise. She may have gotten more likeable later, but that didn't matter. She was a bad person, she saw Saito as subhuman and treated him terribly. Was I supposed to let myself be treated the same way just because I knew that she had inadequacy issues? There were a lot of broken people in the world and I can't let myself be taken advantage of because I emphasized with them.

I steeled my will and made a promise to myself, even if it made me miserable later, even if I hated every second of it and it made me cry, I was not to give into compulsion. I imagined someone else in her place, friends, and family, anyone I was familiar with and liked a lot. If they treated me like that, I wouldn't stand for it, so if I started feeling like what she was doing was OK it had to be the binding talking. Just one hint that I was starting to give in and I would run as far as I could. I had to look out for myself first and foremost.

While I was thinking she had already made it all the way over to me.

She sneered, "Be grateful commoner, most go their whole lives without something like this happening to them."

I resisted the urge to snap something smart back at her. I needed power if I was going to have to spend time in this shithole of a world.

She raised her wand and started the chant, "My name is Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière. Pentagon of the five elemental powers; bless this humble being, and make him my familiar." She sealed the binding and turned back.

My hand started to feel hot, and then it quickly became painful as the runes burned themselves into my hand. I can barely describe how painful it was. I didn't black out, or retreat into my mind, or any of that bullshit like you read about in books. It just hurt, and wouldn't stop. It passed the point of novelty and it just-kept-hurting.

Even though I was screaming, no one cared. I looked over to the crowd, and they just looked bored. I looked to the teacher, and he didn't meet my eyes. He knew this was wrong, but he didn't care enough to stop it.

I've been mad before, but I've never really hated anyone. I hated them now, all of them. Any lingering doubts I had fled my mind. These people could have their stupid fucking problems, let's see how high and mighty they are when there isn't a too nice for his own good hero helping them fix their more than numerous fuckups.

I get pretty vindictive when hurt. If they can do shit like this to me without guilt just because I wasn't a fancy fucking wizard, they don't deserve to be the future leaders of this country.

It wasn't about the runes. I knew about it beforehand and couldn't blame others for it. It was their apathy to my suffering. It wouldn't get any better, these people wouldn't see me as a person unless I showed them that they had to, and even then it'd just be because I was potentially useful and not because of my worth as a person.

The whole system was broken. The ones in power do what they like because no one can stop them. They could all be so much more if it wasn't for all the people holding them back. There's no way I'm going to help them keep it from collapsing in on itself.

Finally, it stopped, and I fell over. I heard the teacher congratulating Louise on her success, before dismissing everyone.

I couldn't help but feel a smug sense of satisfaction at the look of jealousy on her face as everyone else levitated away.

Louise turned back to me, "It's your lucky day commoner. Follow me and I'll explain your duties". She turned and started walking towards the stone archway in the wall surrounding the clearing.

"And hello to you too" I muttered while trailing behind.

After a short walk we arrived at her room. She started on her speech immediately, "All right, I've contemplated this for a while and even if you're not what I wanted, the ritual I used to summon you is a holy rite, I guess I'm stuck with you as my familiar."

She unbuttoned her robe and threw it at me, "Here, wash this".

"Don't I get any say in this?"

"Didn't you understand that was an order? I don't know how they do it in whatever backwater town you came from, but around here when a noble tells you to do something you need to do it. If you make a mistake like that and embarrass me in front of someone else I'll make you go the rest of the day without food"

I could argue with her, but that might tip her off earlier than I needed, and it wasn't like I was going to win anyway. She might not be good at magic but I didn't want to be on the receiving end of her explosions.

"How…benevolent of you?"

"Glad you understand, make sure to wake me up tomorrow morning, I will not be late to class in addition to summoning a commoner"

I stepped out of the room and shut the door behind me as I made my way to the window at the end of the hall. I tried to look for a latch but couldn't find anything, stupid medieval workmanship. It took me a minute to realize that I had to just push, and it swung outwards. Good thing nobody saw how long that took me, I threw her shirt out and closed the window, then turned back around and headed for the stairs.

I took to wandering around, surprisingly enough I didn't run into Guiche. I guess since I didn't pass out from the runes I must have thrown off the timeline by a bit. Not really a problem since I wasn't planning on staying around for long.

Eventually I crossed paths with a passing maid, I flagged her down and asked for directions to the secretary's room, she was hesitant at first but I when I told her Louise told me to find her she relented and lead me there.

"I'll be down in the kitchens, it's two halls down and to the left, make sure to come by if you need any more help ok?"

"Will do, thanks" I waved her off

After she was out of sight, I knocked on the door and waited. I heard footsteps and the lock unclick, before Longueville opened the door.

"Yes, can I help you?"

"Most certainly, but more relevantly to you I can help you, Matilda"

She threw open the door with her other hand, her wand already out and moving. Before I could say anything I felt something hit me from behind me and I slammed into the wall.

She pointed the wand at me and hissed, "Talk, now!"

"I obviously made arrangements for everything I know to be forwarded to someone else if I don't check in" I lied, "but to make a long story short I want to help you break into the vault, I know a way in but I need your help to carry the loot and make a getaway with me, I don't want to be here anymore than you do"

"How did you-? Wh- Why?" She raised her eyebrow at me menacingly before waving her wand emphatically "Explain more! Now!"

I rolled my eyes "Does it matter? If I wanted money I would have just turned you in for your bounty. I want to stick to the nobles for the obvious reasons. That girl fucking kidnapped and branded me and expects me to slave away for her? I know things, it doesn't matter how I know, but I want to help. You can keep anything you want from the vault, I just want a few small odds and ends and a way out of the immediate area"

She put her wand down, "How do I know you're not lying to me?"

"A, Cause you're not in prison right now, B, because I know about your adopted sister, which I realize reconqui-whatevever knows, but I also know she's good with that mindwipe spell which I doubt anyone else knows about which-"

"What do you even want?" She asked, cutting me off.

"I want you to make a small trip for me, in whatever town is nearby look for some shitty weapon shop with a sign with two swords on it I think, I don't really remember so I might be wrong, anyway break in and take the rusty talking sword, bring it to me and I'll open the vault for you"

She looked annoyed, "What?"

"I said, in the nearby town ther-"

"Not that! Why the hell would I get you a talking sword"

"Not really your problem? I want the sword, a few small items from the vault, and safe passage with you out of the area, in return I'll help you break into the vault, like I said"

"Sit here, I'll be back, touch anything and I'll kill you"

Once she was out of sight I carefully and very purposely reached out and touched her table. I was feeling pretty tired so I lied down on her bed for a quick bit of shut-eye.

* * *

3 hours later

I was woken up with a glass of water thrown in my face.

"You fucking asshole! You slept in my bed, and you made me listen to this stupid ass sword for the last few hours."

"Not my fault you left me here for a few hours"

"Yes it is!" She shrieked, "And you gave me shit directions, there was no sign with two swords, I had to break into three different shops before I found the right one"

"So my memories not perfect, sue me"

"Show me how to get into the vault, NOW!"

"Fine, lead the way since I don't know where it is. Why didn't you just sheathe the sword if you wanted to shut him up?"

"Heheheh"

She glared at the offending lump of metal, "One more fucking "joke", I dare you, just try it, see what happens!"

"Funny as this is to watch, don't we have a job to do?"

I turned to Derflinger, "We don't really have time to talk right now, but I'm your new partner. We're doing a smash and grab"

"Eh? Sounds good to me, been a while since I've had a proper user, the last idiot who had me threw me in a well"

"Let's go already" Longueville huffed, before donning a hooded cloak and leading me down into the courtyard.

She looked at me expectedly, "Are you sure this is going to work?"

"Not really," seeing the look on her face I hurriedly finished my sentence, "but I'm willing to give it a shot, this is magically reinforced stone right?"

"That's right." She confirmed

I picked up Derflinger, my runes lit up and knowledge flooded into my head. The correct way to position my feet, how I should move my arm and body the correct way to maximize the energy being delivered in each strike, as well as the required muscle memory. I felt a rush of energy fill me and the pain I've been feeling went away immediately"

I stabbed him deep into the concrete, and watched as protective runes withered and died and dissolved into the sword, making it glow white. It didn't stop either, it began to glow brighter and brighter as I drained whatever was protecting the vault. I saw protective sigils all around the courtyard appear, flicker, and die.

The sword was almost vibrating by this point and it was getting hard to hold, I instinctively knew he was close to his limit and there was no way I was going to be able to discharge all the energy in any way remotely resembling stealthy.

"Umm, on a scale of one to stab me, how mad would you be if I made a huge explosion right now?" I nervously asked.

Something told me my chances weren't looking too good.

I briefly regretted that I wouldn't have the chance to see the look on her face once Louise found out that was able to do her signature spell better than her.

"Can you summon a bunch of your golems now?"

"Stop telling me what to do" she grunted while waving her wand in precise patterns, muttering incantations under her breath. The earth from the ground started to liquefy and bend into distinctly humanoid shapes.

"Hurry up, I can't hold it much longer" I said, immediately regretting my word choice.

She put her head and groaned, "You know what? I don't care anymore, just do it already"

With a mental switch the energy flowed from the sword and impacted the wall. There was an audible rumbling sound for a second, cracks spread out through the concrete and started glowing with white light, then a loud crash as the wall collapsed inwards, leaving a dust cloud hovering over the new entrance.

We ran inside quickly. The staff of destruction was on display in the back, my partner in crime went right for it while I took a look around, dodging around the golems who were busy picking up every bit of loot that wasn't nailed down.

This was so cool, I was in a magical treasure hoarde. I was going to need supplies if I was going to be spending time on the run. I pocketed some loose jewelry, if it was unenchanted then it would work as money and if it was enchanted then all the better. I also took a small quiver full of gem encrusted rods, stuffed a bunch of gold coins into the empty space, and slung it over my back. I saw a weapons rack so I ran my hands over the hilts of each of the swords to assess them quickly, sadly none were better than Derflinger so I had to leave them behind. I also took a small bag of potions, I couldn't tell what they were since the writing was weird but the fancy container means that they're expensive.

By this point Longueville had made it back to me. "We have to move," she started, "The rest of the staff will be here any minute, and if we don't get out right now we'll get caught." She turned and commanded her golems to start digging underground, before raising up a few new ones who grabbed a few token pieces of jewelry and ran out the hole door with us.

"Nice, that's pretty smart actually"

She tried not to show it, but she definitely smiled at the complement, "I am a professional, unlike some other people who I'm not going to mention. Is that a magic eating sword by the way? I've never heard of such a thing. I hate to say it, but I can see why you had me steal it, there's no way it couldn't have been ridiculously expensive"

I shook my head, "Nah he would have let it go for 100 ecu, I just didn't want to wait until the next day because it would have been boring and I would have had to listen to that girl whine about how I'm supposed to be her familiar, and I kind of didn't do a thing earlier that she asked me to and it would have been this huge hassle, and then I'd have to go find food in the kitchens which I'll have to find and-"

Her eye twitched, "You made me break into half the shops in a nearby town in the middle of the night, because of a stupid reason like that?"

"Are you mad? Cause you seem a little bit mad right now, you need to calm down lady, be reasonable"

By this point her face was turning interesting colors, so I put my hand on Derflinger again to access the runic enhancements before smashing him into the wall to give us another exit. Unsurprisingly this didn't work as well as expected because he's a sword and not a hammer, without a magical blast like I had earlier all I managed to accomplish was a slash about foot into the wall.

Longueville just chanted another spell and melted the now disenchanted stone, letting us slip through before resealing both it and the distraction golems behind us as we found ourselves just outside of the castle's outer wall.

The ground trembled as the original golems started to dig out from beneath us, one of the larger ones grabbing me with one hand, and her with the other, and then he started running into the forest while the others scattered into random directions. It was very uncomfortable, each step the golem took shook me very hard and the position didn't give me proper back support, if I didn't know any better I would say that she was doing it on purpose. For some reason though I didn't think that complaining about it would help very much.

* * *

Sometime later

We set up camp in the middle of the forest, the golem could actually move surprisingly quickly once it built up momentum, and it didn't need to stop for breaks like a person might need to. Matilda's willpower eventually ran out, but we made it pretty far before that happened. She managed to bury most of the remaining storage golems (she doesn't trust me for some reason) before rolling out two sleeping bags and just passing out in one of them.

That left me a lot of time to think. I was running on adrenaline and momentum for most of the day up until now. I still thought Louise sucked, so either the runes had no mind control or they were so subtle that I couldn't tell. What the hell was I going to do? I was a fugitive now, and while they probably weren't going to figure out it was me right away, eventually they'd interview the maid who gave me directions to Matilda's room, and since the both of us were missing it'd give us away.

Shit, they might actually think I was the crumbling dirt, they thought he was a guy right? Oh well, nothing I can do about it now. Still, I needed a plan better than obtain money and run. I wish I remembered more from what was supposed to happen. Germania was the more liberal country, right? I remember Louise bitching about how nobles weren't real there because you could buy a title or something.

Or maybe I could just stay with Matilda, she wasn't too bad of a person compared to everyone else. And what was I going to do about the plot?

My eyes widened as I realized I forgot that if Louise dies I lose my enhancements, and the princess was going to come by and ruthlessly manipulate ask nicely for her magically incompetent childhood friend to go into a warzone and destroy evidence of her incestuous affair youthful indiscretion.

Shit, how important was Saito to that plot point? Did he save her life or anything? Oh right, her fiancé was a traitor but since he's with her he won't let her die. I think he marries her or would have married her if Saito didn't intervene, which given the age difference is pretty creepy but that's not really my problem. I wasn't going to risk my life to "save" her. I couldn't remember any other events where she's in direct danger, unless the princess insists she fights in the war or something, but Henrietta is pretty practical even if she hides it well, she might give her some figurehead position but given that Louise sucked at magic she would probably just be used for morale raising or something. She should be safe enough.

There was also some sort of war with the elves I think. Or something else, all I remembered was that elves were involved at some point which means humanity probably attacked them since they got all worked up in a religious fervor over the void. Maybe I could defect to the elves? If I remember right they don't like humans or the void, but with my diplomacy skills I bet I could talk my way in, maybe. I closed my eyes and eventually drifted off to sleep, I'll worry about it tomorrow.

* * *

The next morning in the Academy

"But Professor Colbert, I didn't do it!" Exclaimed the pink haired girl exasperatedly tried to explain to the stubborn professor who as of yet didn't seem capable of listening to reason.

She seethed, how that simpleton commoner dared to do something like this was beyond her. She summons him and is kind enough to offer him a position to serve her, daughter to a Duke and Duchess, and the brute somehow breaks into the imperial vault. This was supposed to be her crowning moment, the proof that she was capable of casting something other than an explosion, and he couldn't even respect that enough to stay around? The bastard even had the GALL to throw her clothes into the courtyard, she had to walk around in her nightclothes! Well, no one ever accused commoners of being able to act rationally, it's always been the burden of the nobles to guide their lessors. Still, when she got her hands on him….

"Be that as it may, the actions of the Familiar are the responsibility of the Mage, while we are still investigating the long string of failures that lead to this lapse, it is still possible that your familiar had some hand in what happened. He was seen near the scene of the crime a few hours before, and spoke with another person who is still unaccounted for." The balding professor explained.

"But I helped stop the thief in the end, I destroyed three of the golems with my magic!" The pinkette said smugly, "doesn't that prove my innocence?"

The military investigator sent from the capital shook his head, "Miss, I've seen the hallway where you allegedly stopped these golems, we only found a small amount of the items taken from the vault, but you blew through a Class 3 territory enchantment on the wall behind it, which is supposed to be impossible. Tell me, did you help the crumbling dirt in his break in? We have evidence that the wards were disrupted for a time, which isn't impossible to do for you. It isn't out of the question that you orchestrated this, or it's also possible that you were seduced into it, girls your age tend to be impressionable, if you tell me what you know I can recommend leniency."

Louise's face was reddening, "How, how dare you! You insolent piece of commoner filth, you think you can come into here and make your ridiculous assertions, to ME? I am the daughter of the DUKE himself! My mother is the HEAVY WIND!" She shouted angrily, gesticulating with her arms wildy.

"Now now, calm down Miss Vallière ," Osmond said consolingly whilst stroking his beard, "We're not trying to place blame here, the truth is that there are many people who are responsible, the person supposed to be on guard to the vault was sleeping for example. As long as you bring the treasure back from wherever you and whoever helped you hid it, we can chalk it away as a lapse in judgement on your part, without involving the crown"

The investigator looked uncomfortable at this, but this wasn't the first time he's heard of similar arrangements. More than once he's had to let someone go because of who they were or who they knew. He didn't like it, but Nobles were Nobles after all. If they got the treasure back in the end then favors would be exchanged and it would all be wiped clean with a convenient non-noble scapegoat. Ugh.

"Wasn't her," the blue haired girl who was silent up until then mentioned, "Was flying dragon at night, courtyard was in full view, she wasn't there."

"Then why didn't you stop her!"

"Dangerous." She summarized.

"Professor, if I find my stupid familiar before he manages to get rid of whatever he took, would that be acceptable?"

"Ah, that may be a bit hard to do if you truly weren't involved, we found fifteen separate tracks leading in all directions, while most are undoubtedly fake trails that will end after a few miles, we still have to investigate all of them. It is exceedingly unlikely that you will be able find him. Have you had any success with trying to share his senses?"

She blushed, "Err, I tried it and it kind of, didn't really work?"

"Do you at least get his name, so we can put the word out?"

"Why would I ask my servant his name? If anything he should ask me for what I would prefer to call him"

The headmaster put his head in his hands and sighed, "It isn't advertised openly, but there is a way to forcibly widen the connection between familiar and owner temporarily by way of potion, allowing them to intuitively know where the other is. However, it's dangerous and expensive, and even more unfortunately our small supply was among the items taken. It also takes an entire week to brew, I'll get someone to start on it right away, but we won't be able to even start looking for your familiar, assuming he's even involved, until a week from now." He explained.

Why? Why was such a cruel thing happening to her? Her prayers were answered, she finally cast a real spell, proved she was a Noble. It was enough to have her not to have to bear the shame of being kicked out of school. Now her familiar not only ran away, but implicated her in a crime as he left. What'd she ever do to him? She was more polite than he deserved even. She didn't know who a lowly commoner could possibly help with something like a magical robbery, which was undoubtedly done by a skilled mage (not noble!), but it didn't even matter anymore. She had a way to find him, once it was done she would help find him herself, and for the crime of humiliating her in front of her peers, she would get her revenge!

"Was that really necessary?" Asked Colbert in the privacy of the headmaster's office after the grueling interviews they all had to go through. "You knew she wasn't involved and yet you pointed the investigation straight at her"

Osmond tried not to show how nervous he was in front of his colleague, "Yes, it's unfortunate, but it's imperative that we get the treasure back. If anyone discovers how lacking our security measures were for the kingdoms treasury, we could even lose support from the Crown. Besides, even if the potion doesn't exist, it will keep her occupied for a week while the real search continues. I contacted her mother letting her know how bad it could look if the Vallière's were involved in a scandal like this, and she's agreed to personally head the search. She's already talking to whoever owes her anything to recruit more bodies to cover more ground."

"Will that be enough?"

"We better hope so" The headmaster grimly stated.


End file.
